Over the last year, I’ve gotten into the habit of posting examples of revised sentences on Twitter. With Twitter on the fritz again, this seems like a good time to move some of my “Sentence Level Revision” work over here.

Why share revised sentences? I’ve got three reasons:

1. Sometimes my followers suggest even better alternatives or improvements I could make.
2. After reading my examples, other writers may get ideas for how to revise their own work.
3. I enjoy bragging about my improved writing. (Sorry, just trying to be honest here!)

If you don’t follow me on Twitter, you may be wondering what I mean by “sentence level revision.” Here’s an example from my newest work in progress, tentatively titled The Lady, the Wolf, and the Rose.

This line comes from a conversation between the first-person narrator and her love interest. Initially, I wrote: “His voice was deep and rough, and it sent goosebumps all over my body.”

But I didn’t really like that sentence when I read it a second time. For one thing, I try to avoid using the verb “to be” if I can. So I revised it to: “Goosebumps rose along my arms at the sound of his low, rough growl.“

The revised version is shorter and more direct. It also uses a much stronger verb: “rose.” Many of my revisions at the sentence level follow this pattern, using a stronger or more colorful verb to make a sentence more direct. This less about lowering wordcount than about making a line pack more punch.

In this example, the sensory imagery also becomes sharper or more concrete. “Goosebumps all over my body” isn’t bad, but it’s much more vague than “goosebumps rose along my arms.” It’s easier to imagine the sensation of goosebumps along one’s arms, I think. As a general principle, concrete and specific language is stronger than vague and general verbs or nouns.

None of these are absolute rules, of course. Sometimes you NEED the verb “to be.” Sometimes more abstract language suits your purpose better than concrete imagery. Don’t be afraid to break the rules when you need to!