As things get weirder on social media, I’m going through my old Tweets and deleting snippets that I posted as examples of Sentence Level Revision. Since I don’t want to lose all my examples, I’m going to share more of them here. Expect a few more of these Sentence Level Revisions post!

First, we’re going to take a look at the dreaded verb “to be.” You may have been told to avoid it. As I’ve said in previous posts, it’s not always possible to avoid is/was/were, etc. Don’t worry about using “to be” when you really need it. But DO be on the alert for places where a stronger or more colorful verb could be employed.

Example 1: “Consequently, I was exhausted and quiet at dinner.”

You don’t actually need “to be” in this sentence. There are more direct ways to word it.

Try this instead: “By dinner time, I had faded into exhausted silence.”

“Faded” is a more active verb, and “faded into exhausted silence” may also paint a clearer picture of someone who’s dragging at the end of the day. My next example is similar:

Example 2: “I was very surprised to hear a knock at the door”

Revised, this becomes: “A knock at the door startled me.”

This revision avoids the use of “was” by switching the order of the sentence and swapping in an active verb.

Finally, the example below involves a much more specific verb choice.

Example 3: “The seriousness with which she spoke was disrupted by a mischievous smile.”

Becomes:

“A mischievous smile belied the seriousness with which she spoke.”

“Belied” isn’t a word that most writers use often, and it might not work if you write with a more contemporary voice than I do. But I think “belied” works well in the above example, which is from a historical romance.

Revising for stronger verbs isn’t just about avoiding the verb “to be.” Sometimes it’s about replacing a GOOD verb with a BETTER verb: a verb that’s more specific, more concrete, more colorful, or packs more sensory detail.

Example 4: “I looked forward to a slice of that pie.”

Revise it for more sensory impact, and you get: “My mouth watered for a slice of that pie.”

Sometimes revising for verbs involves using a colorful verb rather than a pedestrian verb coupled with an adverb. Have you heard the advice to avoid adverbs in your writing? Again, this is a tip that I think can be taken too far. Adverbs aren’t the devil, and they can be very useful! I don’t think you need to avoid them all the time.

But there’s a grain of truth to the advice, because using a more colorful or more specific verb can render an adverb unnecessary. Take this example:

Example 5: “and he spoke more gently”

There is absolutely nothing wrong with “spoke.” But you can make this phrase shorter and more direct:

“and his voice gentled.”

“Gentled” is a lovely word, and when you use it, you don’t need an adverb to modify “spoke.”

Here’s a similar example from RUNES AND RUIN.

Example 6: “You don’t usually want my advice,” Carrington said sleepily.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with using “sleepily” here, but there may be other ways to convey that Carrington is just waking up.

Try this: “You don’t usually want my advice,” Carrington mumbled.

In context, “mumbled” helps convey his not-quite-alert-yet state. Other clues, like yawning or rubbing his eyes, may make it clearer that he’s still sleepy.

Keep in mind that when we’re talking about sentence level revision, we’re not always talking about revisions for which there are clear-cut rules. These revision tips are not about grammar errors, but about writing style or personal taste. Some writers will disagree with my tips, or think I should have made other word choices. And that’s ok! Take what you can use and leave whatever isn’t helpful behind!